Joke Thread

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 26 Feb 2015 17:08

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan Desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a Royal Marine selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only 5 pounds."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Officers Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need".

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped...

"They won't let me in without a f....ing tie!"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 28 Feb 2015 08:12

Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German", she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, not this time I am just here for a few days first."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 28 Feb 2015 08:15

NORWEGIAN VIRGIN WEDDING

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay.

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:

"Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 15 Mar 2015 09:20

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, "Ya now sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station...

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings - we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.

When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.

When I say, ' Bell three' we's gonna mek luv all tru de night girl."

The next night, he came home and shouted,

"Bell One" and the wife stripped naked!

"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!

"Bell Three" and they started to make luv!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"

"WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?" he asked.

She replied, "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 15 Mar 2015 09:26

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

"Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?" asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da..... "

"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!?".

Paddy said, "Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...... "

The solicitor interrupted again and said,"Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. "

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded; "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'...... I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?"

"Now wot would you say?"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 15 Mar 2015 09:31

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

'We can't drive.'

' Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here We'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 15 Mar 2015 09:33

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.

"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,

"Ten?" says the welfare worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' Or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare
worker.

"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 15 Mar 2015 09:35

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 15 Mar 2015 09:36

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policewoman

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 15 Mar 2015 09:39

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefits.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 15 Mar 2015 09:43

Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:"We're all really shocked; we didn't know we had a library!
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 27 Mar 2015 09:11

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 27 Mar 2015 09:12

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 27 Mar 2015 09:14

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 27 Mar 2015 09:38

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
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