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Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 05 Nov 2014 08:52
by Big Boy
The wife & I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.

It didn't start well when the train we were travelling on broke down a few miles north of the capital. What a third world shithole! Streets full of angry bearded types all glaring at us, and the Mrs stood out in her sundress as all the local women had head to toe burquas.

We are dead meat I thought.

Thankfully, Dave the tour organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park also had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to Kings Cross and then on to Kabul from Heathrow.

Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 07 Nov 2014 13:30
by yoursTruly
An American feminist visited Kabul to determine how sexual equality had progressed in the 10 years since her last visit. On her last trip, Islamic law dictated that women had to walk 2 meters in back of their husbands. Looking around now, she noticed that women *still* were walking behind their husbands, AND the distance had increased to *6* meters. This was despite intervention over the last 10 years by the American military to rout out the ultra conservative Taliban. Confused, the feminist asked asked an Afghan wife why she was forced to walk even further behind her husband. "Land mines" came the simple reply.

Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 07 Nov 2014 13:35
by yoursTruly
Yogi Berra ordered a pizza. He was asked what kind of pizza he
wanted. "Cheese," he replied. "Would you like it cut into four
pieces or eight?" "Four," he said. "I couldn't possibly eat eight."

Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 07 Nov 2014 13:43
by yoursTruly
The American Board for Family Wellness recommends this tip for "sexually active" female teenagers, courtesy of Chuck Palahniuk's novel "Rant":

"The subject of venereal disease came up, and she insisted it wasn't a problem. The Lawrence girl, she explained that sex workers regularly perform oral sex as part of foreplay. She told us the true purpose of the act is to routinely test a client for illness. Syphilis, she said, tastes like curried chicken. Hepatitis tastes like veal with capers. Gonorrhea, like sour-cream-and-onion potato chips. HIV, like buttered popcorn. She looked at my wife and said, "Let me lick your pussy and I can tell if you've been exposed to venereal warts, and if you're at risk for developing cervical cancer." Most forms of cancer, she said, taste similar to tartar sauce."

Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 07 Nov 2014 13:55
by yoursTruly
Yogi Berra, former catcher for the New York Yankees.

Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."

It gets late early out there.
-- Yogi Berra

You can observe a lot just by watching. -- Yogi Berra

You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra

Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
-- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.

I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
thank everyone for making this night necessary.
-- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor

Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
Yogi Berra: "Closed."

"It's like deja vu all over again." -- Yogi Berra

"Ninety percent of baseball is half mental."
-- Yogi Berra

Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 11 Nov 2014 10:09
by Big Boy
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! .......I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 11 Nov 2014 10:17
by Big Boy
Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his best efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this. I'll
make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding .... you mean it can whistle, too?”

Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 11 Nov 2014 14:14
by yoursTruly

Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 11 Nov 2014 14:27
by yoursTruly
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
-- William Blake

Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 11 Nov 2014 14:28
by yoursTruly
"Hello," he lied.
-- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent

Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 11 Nov 2014 14:34
by yoursTruly
Close call for dog...


Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 11 Nov 2014 14:37
by yoursTruly
Just a friendly evening of cards until the Irish guy starts drinking...


Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 16 Nov 2014 20:37
by Big Boy
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to make love with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel receptionist if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," she said and pulled out a packet from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The receptionist asked, "Would you like me to put it on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 09 Dec 2014 14:36
by Big Boy
You're a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison..... where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

Need new teeth? No problem.
Need glasses? That’s great.
Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart?
They’re all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this?

It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford to pay for your nursing care.

And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it. Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax

Re: Joke Thread

Posted: 09 Dec 2014 14:40
by Big Boy
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:-

1.. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2.. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3.. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6.. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7.. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8.. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamppost.

9.. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . .. . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.