Joke Thread

[yoursTruly]

Trees suck at not having dandruff

[yoursTruly]

Dickhead, as we Americans say...but it shows commitment and independent thinking--all Family(c) values.



Heike, some good advice for you with some good traditional Family(c) values. I hope you're listening!



Try being more submissive around men and I'm sure you'll find happiness with Mr Right!. And be open to "unusual practices". Don't respond with the silent treatment, as the article says. Say "I never knew it could fit in there! Push it in all the way, Plowboy!"

[yoursTruly]

The Force is strong with this one.

[yoursTruly]

Join us for our Second Annual Sweaters for Soi Dogs Campaign

http://bangkok.coconuts.co/2014/10/16/o ... s-warm-fed

[yoursTruly]

Ladyboys per 100,000 people. World survey.



It shows that in Thailand 9 of 10 people (of both sexes?) are ladyboys, which seems about right from my own amateur investigations.

[yoursTruly]

Cats are such disgusting animals, but humans run a close second.

[yoursTruly]

I wonder if he's gets free junk food in exchange for advertising space?

[yoursTruly]

Fit six boys on a motorbike, no problem. But the number drops to 4 if they're all gay...

[yoursTruly]

The pain of being the only engineer in the room...



I know the feeling--bosses completely ignorant of techology and the process of development.

[yoursTruly]

God, if this could only happen to every brainless twit woman babbling on her cellphone

[Big Boy]

The whole truth and nothing but the truth

"If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel..."

Listening to wife is like reading the terms & conditions of a website.
You don’t understand it but you still accept it.

Why do most Indian women request for the same husband, in the next life -
how can you let such good training go to waste?

All Men are brave,
Horror Movies don't scare them....
But 5 Missed Calls from Wife ...surely does

Chess is the only game in the world, which reflects the status of the husband;
the poor king can take only one step at a time ....
While the mighty queen can do whatever she likes.

....and what's Checkmate?
You tell your wife “I saw a lady, looked exactly like you" & wife asks "WAS SHE GORGEOUS..??"
You can’t say 'No' and you can’t say 'Yes' – now that’s Checkmate!

[yoursTruly]

There's a million things to say on the topic of women. Not many of them are very flattering to women unfortunately. Some examples...

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
what you like now."
-- Tolstoy

Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking
pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
the other.
-- Jules Feiffer

There are two kinds of women: those who want power in the
world, and those who want power in bed. - Jacqueline Onassis

Women, when they are not in love, have all the cold blood of an experienced
attorney.
-- Honore de Balzac

The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
-- Balzac

When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they
do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues.

--Balzac

Women have no sympathy ... And my experience of women is
almost as large as Europe. And it is so intimate too. Women
crave for being loved, not for loving. They scream at you for
sympathy all day long, they are incapable of giving any in
return for they cannot remember your affairs long enough to do
so.
Florence Nightingdale

Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the
ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection.
Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really,
it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open
to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never.
-- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire"

[yoursTruly]

"Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house."
-- anon

[Big Boy]

The Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

[Big Boy]

A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife as a 20th Anniversary present. He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife sees the price tag he forgot to remove and thinks "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on. I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, get a $150 refund and get myself something I really want." So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

Seeing her, the husband exclaims, "that's weird, it wasn't that wrinkled in the store."