Joke Thread

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johnny red
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by johnny red » 13 Jul 2014 07:46

yours truly, do you know what the name of that is????? my father had one years and years ago...on the back it said

"Bullshit Grinder"

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 13 Jul 2014 12:26

johnny red wrote:yours truly, do you know what the name of that is????? my father had one years and years ago...on the back it said

"Bullshit Grinder"
And I always just thought it was for amusement! I didn't know it had a *purpose*!
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 13 Jul 2014 12:28

More illustration of the power of the Linux Operating System. Here the massive computing power of the system is harnessed to rock a baby...

"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 13 Jul 2014 13:03

Girls will be girls....

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Somewhat disturbing...

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"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 13 Jul 2014 13:32

How I miss driving in the snow...

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"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 13 Jul 2014 13:34

Questionable invention...

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"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 13 Jul 2014 13:36

A less questionable one...

Image
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 13 Jul 2014 13:38

A comment on a boring speech...

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"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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Big Boy
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 13 Jul 2014 17:16

A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but, still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident',

She asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!"
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Big Boy
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 16 Jul 2014 12:44

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses..... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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Big Boy
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 16 Jul 2014 12:45

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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Big Boy
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 16 Jul 2014 12:46

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
Green Army

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Big Boy
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 16 Jul 2014 12:47

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Green Army

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Big Boy
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 16 Jul 2014 12:49

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep..

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
Green Army

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Big Boy
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 16 Jul 2014 13:01

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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