Joke Thread

New to Bangsaphan or already resident? Doesn't matter, this is the place for introductions!
User avatar
yoursTruly
Posts: 870
Joined: 28 Aug 2011 19:53

Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 28 Jan 2014 19:04

Image
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1646
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 30 Jan 2014 08:51

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My secretary sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1646
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 30 Jan 2014 09:48

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
****************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
****************************
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
****************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
****************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
****************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
****************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
****************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
****************************
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
****************************
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1646
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 30 Jan 2014 20:41

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says,"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people say 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter.... SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24" WAIST and 36"HIPS.





When she walks into a room, everyone says, "Jesus Christ....! "
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1646
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 31 Jan 2014 11:27

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in the big city......

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?

They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1646
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 31 Jan 2014 14:45

Fable of the Hedgehog

It was the coldest winter ever.

Many animals died because of the cold.

The Hedgehogs, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice; either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.

They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others.

This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

So, the moral of the story is:



Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
Green Army

Santi-C
Posts: 30
Joined: 19 Oct 2013 20:48

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Santi-C » 31 Jan 2014 19:22

A narcissistic pervert boarded a plane in Phuket with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a VIP, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in Bangkok, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the distinguished gentleman who gave me the crabs in Phuket please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. The “elite” aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonde commoners aren't as dumb as you may think.

Could this story validate the theory that any pleb could run the country better than any elite?!

User avatar
yoursTruly
Posts: 870
Joined: 28 Aug 2011 19:53

Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 03 Feb 2014 14:44

Image
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

User avatar
yoursTruly
Posts: 870
Joined: 28 Aug 2011 19:53

Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 03 Feb 2014 14:46

Image
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

User avatar
yoursTruly
Posts: 870
Joined: 28 Aug 2011 19:53

Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 03 Feb 2014 14:47

Image
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

User avatar
yoursTruly
Posts: 870
Joined: 28 Aug 2011 19:53

Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 03 Feb 2014 14:49

Image
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

User avatar
yoursTruly
Posts: 870
Joined: 28 Aug 2011 19:53

Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 03 Feb 2014 14:53

Image
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

User avatar
yoursTruly
Posts: 870
Joined: 28 Aug 2011 19:53

Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 03 Feb 2014 15:11

Image
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

User avatar
yoursTruly
Posts: 870
Joined: 28 Aug 2011 19:53

Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 04 Feb 2014 19:47

Image
Image
Image
Image
Image
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

User avatar
yoursTruly
Posts: 870
Joined: 28 Aug 2011 19:53

Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 04 Feb 2014 20:24

Image

Image
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

Post Reply