Joke Thread

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Big Boy
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 26 Aug 2011 00:47

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband standing around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked ....

"Hunting Flies" He responded ...

"Oh ! Killing any?" She asked ...

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied .

Intrigued , she inquired ... "How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 26 Aug 2011 00:58

A Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The local paper read:

PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey.

The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for €10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR €10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.



The Bishop was buried the next day.



The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
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East German jokes...

Post by yoursTruly » 31 Aug 2011 19:28

East German Jokes

How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it.

A customer orders a Trabant car. The salesman tells him to come back to pick it up in nine years. The customer: "Shall I come back in the morning or in the evening then?" The sellers: "You're joking, aren't you." The customer: "No, not at all. It's just that I need to know; the plumber comes at 3pm then."

'Early in the morning, Honecker arrives at his office and opens his window. He sees the sun and says: "Good morning, dear Sun!" The sun replies: "Good morning, dear Erich!" Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: "Good day, dear Sun!" The sun replies: "Good day, dear Erich!" In the evening, Erich calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: "Good evening, dear Sun!" The sun is silent. Honecker says again: "Good evening, dear Sun! What's the matter?" The sun replies: "Kiss my arse. I'm in the West now."'

Others:
https://secure.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/ ... many_jokes
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 03 Sep 2011 02:38

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 20 Sep 2011 04:35

Went to the pub with my Thai girlfriend last month.

Locals were shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 51.

It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 21 Sep 2011 03:32

Two Friends Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death...What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 02 Oct 2011 02:35

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and Registration, Please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huv to come to complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Now dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 21 Oct 2011 01:14

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment..... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 21 Oct 2011 01:18

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.. "How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bottom, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 22 Oct 2011 01:47

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

In my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,












'Please ..... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 24 Oct 2011 03:03

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a Superhero. Iron Woman is an instruction.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 30 Oct 2011 20:40

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!”

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, Larry?”

“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 30 Oct 2011 20:41

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,”said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What's the matter”, asked Larry “Giving up?”
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 30 Oct 2011 20:42

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Larry quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 30 Oct 2011 20:43

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”

Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”
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