Joke Thread

New to Bangsaphan or already resident? Doesn't matter, this is the place for introductions!
User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 08 Apr 2011 03:17

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 08 Apr 2011 03:18

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
Mick says "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 08 Apr 2011 03:18

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 08 Apr 2011 03:19

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 08 Apr 2011 03:19

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from, you sound English?"

"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?"

"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"

"I mount animals."
"It’s all right boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 08 Apr 2011 03:20

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my backside!
Do you think I should change dentists?
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 08 Apr 2011 03:20

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.

Can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 08 Apr 2011 03:21

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 08 Apr 2011 03:23

London Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody London Bankers are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror.

'BLOODY HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...
Green Army

bsb
Posts: 379
Joined: 24 Feb 2011 15:07

Re: Joke Thread

Post by bsb » 08 Apr 2011 07:51

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor co mments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person, we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us. In the USA we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls. We made him President of the United States, and now the whole country is looking for work!"

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 17 Apr 2011 02:34

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her!
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 17 Apr 2011 02:34

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 17 Apr 2011 02:35

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 17 Apr 2011 02:41

What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1653
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 17 Apr 2011 02:42

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.
Green Army

Post Reply