Joke Thread

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 21 Feb 2011 02:07

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?

Sincerely,

Leonardo DiCaprio
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 21 Feb 2011 02:07

Dear Sleeping Beauty,

I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man. All you had to do was wake up.

Sincerely,

Mulan
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 21 Feb 2011 02:09

Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely,

Unimpressed
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 21 Feb 2011 02:09

Dear Toaster,

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

Sincerely,

Toast
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 21 Feb 2011 02:10

Dear Edward,

I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.

Sincerely,

a stake
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 21 Feb 2011 02:10

Dear Prince Charming,

You've got some explaining to do!

Sincerely,

Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 24 Feb 2011 03:20

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given the most elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life...... A huge heart -covered in flowers - stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.'

The priest fainted
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 24 Feb 2011 03:23

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,"Some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by bsb » 24 Feb 2011 15:38

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said,

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,

"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn #365,



“Shall We Gather at the River.”

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 25 Feb 2011 03:06

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 02 Mar 2011 04:07

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... you started it!"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 02 Mar 2011 04:27

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...






'Mixin-me-toasties.'
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 25 Mar 2011 02:39

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow it. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"











Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 30 Mar 2011 01:39

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead..

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 05 Apr 2011 02:38

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrod's looking for a job..

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said, 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day..

'How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p..'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then some sinkers and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull the boat , so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4.

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no.... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his girl friend and I said...

"Well, since your weekend's stuffed, you might as well go fishing"..'
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