Joke Thread

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 04 Jan 2015 09:41

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.

He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus . But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 04 Jan 2015 09:52

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

(get ready for this.....The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
.
.
.
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 11 Jan 2015 10:22

G20 Terrorism High Alert Causing Me Problems

When I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

I hate this getting older stuff.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 11 Jan 2015 10:25

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by jedsada » 16 Jan 2015 18:31

lol..
I'm had attemp for translate to my Thai language

Nice to talk with you sir,

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 23 Jan 2015 07:37

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, the older doctor had her sit down and relax in another room. He then marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

“What the hell is the matter with you" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and, without even looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 23 Jan 2015 07:50

Just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?

"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection I also get a headache."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 23 Jan 2015 08:03

Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:
Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?

Finally, the riddle is solved.

A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.

When the bride, accompanied by her father,starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn.

Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, altar, and hymn.

She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, altar, hymn...

Aisle, altar, hymn... Aisle, altar, hymn.

And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

"I'll alter him!"

HERE ENDS THE LESSON
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 25 Jan 2015 16:17

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.

And Cat . . .

.......didn't give a shit one way or the other.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 04 Feb 2015 07:58

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.

A tipsy - looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old man said simply.

'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,

'And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth,' the old man answered..
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 04 Feb 2015 08:03

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.
He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion: "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said: "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge."

The female agreed to this, so they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship.

The ship flew into the air, crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off, when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale:

"They're still alive, but I've got another idea; let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!”

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and replied:

"Oh no... I agreed to the blow job, but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 04 Feb 2015 08:08

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 05 Feb 2015 12:58

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs.
In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions."


"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."


This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."


"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 20 Feb 2015 19:51

True Friendship... SCOTTISH STYLE!! (None of that Sissy shite)

Are ye tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship... You will see no cute wee smiley faces on this card. Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.


1... When ye are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made ye sad.


2... When ye are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.


3... When ye smile -- I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4... When ye are scared -- I will shake the piss out of ye every chance I get, until you're NOT.

5... When ye are worried -- I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP YER WHINING!

6... When yer confused -- I will try to use only wee words.

7... When ye are sick -- Stay tae hell away from me until ye are well again. I dinna want whatever ye've got.

8... When ye fall, I will laugh me head off at you, you clumsy arse, .......but I'll help you up.

9... This is my oath .... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; Because ... you are my friend.


Friendship is like peein' in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth...
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 20 Feb 2015 20:02

A bloke goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
The chap behind the counter says , ‘Male or female?'
The customer says , ‘Female.’
The shop assistant asks , 'Black or white?
The customer says , 'White.'
The shop assistant asks , ‘Christian or Muslim?’
The customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
The shop assistant says , ‘The Muslim one blows itself up.’
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